Ricky Martin, Chace Crawford and other hetties

 by Ross von Metzke.

Who among us doesn’t remember abs man from American Idol?

OK, so his name is Alan Ritchson (see pic above) and while he didn’t exactly get very far on the singing competition, who can forget that attempted strip tease meant to entice Paula in which every gay viewer across America fell off their collective couches.   

It’s that collective gay gasp that’s continued to propel his career, from his Smallville appearance as Aquaman to his independent album to his numerous modeling gigs for companies including International Jock and N2N underwear.

Yeah, I know which one of those you picked up on. Smoking hot Alan in jock straps.   

Alan’s working on a couple of independent features and you can see him—well, an animated him—in the direct to video Justice League: The New Frontier, playing (but of course) Aquaman. If his animated self is anywhere near as hot as the real thing, you bet we’re dusting off our Blockbuster cards.

You know, for the past four years, I’ve stared at Priscilla Presley’s face and wondered if she got into a fight with Jocelyn Wildenstein or just crashed a Weho pumping party.   

Turns out the latter is close to the truth—she’s one of many celebs pumped full of industrial silicone by recently jailed Dr. Daniel Serrano. Licensed to practice medicine in his native Argentina—the plastic surgery capital of the world, according to many—he was running a bogus operation stateside, and now, he’s reportedly being shipped home by immigration.

I wanna know how a celebrity is going to walk into a plastic surgeon’s office without some frame of reference. I mean, seriously—if I were a woman going into get my face done today, I’d march my ass right up to Susan Lucci and say, “Who do you use”?

I would not be following around Meg Ryan with a pair of binoculars to see who glued those trout lips on her kisser, least of all following someone to his backseat in the K-mart parking lot to find out how many $20’s he’ll take for a quick refresh.

Still, I don’t wish any ill will on Priscilla—or Dyan Cannon, Nikki Kidman, Sly Stallone, Jessica Lange, Michael Douglas, Cher or any other number of celebs who’ve gone under the knife more times than I can count.   

Heads up—for future reference, what the FDA approves is just fine. We don’t need to be dabbling in disaster.   

Even though half of Hollywood is probably using something the FDA didn’t approve. What is it with celebrities and additions… the only think more addictive than illegal substances in perusing the gossip sites to find out who’s addicted to something.

Which is why yesterday’s most emailed post on Perez Hilton—Whitney Smoking Crack….Caught On Tape!!!!—pissed me off.   

 

I mean, don’t get me wrong—I clicked frantically, thinking it might explain why her big comeback album is two years in the making. But imagine my surprise when all I came up with is a You Tube of ’80s pop blip Rick Astley.   

Now I can do a mean “Together Forever” at karaoke, don’t get me wrong. But is that how we’re driving page views these days? Misleading the reader.

Not that I was Whitney to fall of the wagon, but if you’re gonna make a promise, hold up your end of the bargain.   

Now, for Ricky Martin naked in a sauna… click here!

I didn’t say pictures… hahaha!   

But at least we’ve got related info.   

Some Ricky Martin fanatic—which is why you should take this news with a grain of salt—claims he shared a sauna with Ricky Martin over in Calcutta.

Calcutta? I can think of a lot of discreet places closer to home for Ricky than Calcutta. But this man swears it was him hidden beneath that beard and moustache, despite the fact that when he confronted the pop star, he was told he had the wrong guy.

The naked steam allegedly took place at the Grand Oberoi hotel and Ricky, the man says, has a tattoo on his lower pelvic area.

Later, when Ricky seemed to need help finding his locker, the man was all too happy to oblige—for an autograph. This timer, Enriqua gave it, smiled and left.

Is this exchange to be believed? Who can say… but, as it turns out, Martin actually was in Calcutta recently, working with a children’s organisation.

Damnit to hell—I walk into a steam room at Burke Williams and get Gene Simmons. I’m going to have to steam internationally more often.   

On the subject of gays in strange places, J.C. Chasez is absolutely insistent that he isn’t one, despite the fact that every time he’s out in public, Gossip Girl Chace Crawford seems to be at his side.   

Chasez swears they’re just friends, and takes issue with the fact that because they like to hang out and be affectionate in public that everyone thinks they’re dating.

First off—you don’t have to be dating to be screwing, which is how so many of the gay boys kick things off, after all.

Secondly, though some may consider this narrow minded of me, what does a 31-year-old seasoned vet of the recording industry who’s moving behind the scenes as a producer have in common with the 22-year-old pin-up star of the CW’s breakout hit show?

My gut says dick, but seeing as how I’ve seen nothing with my own two eyes, I’ll reserve judgment.   

We so want two gay ’Nsyncers. Make it happen, J.C.—that’s totally get your album released.   

Word on the street says another queen is sick of one of her gigs and wants to call it quits A.S.A.P.   

That queen is Tyra Banks, and for those of you crossing your fingers she wants to hang up her hat on her talk show, keep praying—no, word says Miss T is over America’s Next Top Model. She’ll continue to Exec. Produce, but she wants someone else in front of the camera.   

 

Why? Any number of reasons, from her rumoured spat with Jay Manuel—they aren’t talking, sources say—to the fact that she claims she only ever saw the show lasting three or four seasons (they’re closing in on eight).

Hell, maybe Tyra just wants to do a face plant into the nearest cheesecake. She’s earned that right. For more than a decade, she was swimsuit ready in a moment’s notice. Let the bitch eat.

For now, at least, Tyra’s committed to another season.   

Hey, if you get your wish, there’s always Kirstie Alley’s new diet plan—she could totally use a new side kick now that Valerie kicked the fat actress to the curb.   

There you have it fellas… more mud slinging that a gay rodeo. Until we chat again, remember… take the time to stop and smell the gossip.

 
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